As M. Brown said – “All Aboard the Failboat”. In a weekend where most sane individuals thought the Dodgers would’ve sealed up the NL West by now, the noodly appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster came down and blessed the Pirates’ bats to allow for what occurred yesterday, and continued through this morning. Andy Laroche is dead to me as of today.

While some of you blew your load yesterday afternoon like Charlie Steiner, or even our very own L-Ram when the Dodgers took what appeared to be an insurmountable lead going into the 9th, I sat here as the eternal pessimist that I am in terms of all things Dodgers, held back the giddiness, and waited, only to see Broxton shit the bed. It’s not as if I expected it, it’s just that I’m used to something real fucked up happening when I’m experiencing some form of sports related joy.

The injuries are starting to pile up, and while the West looks wrapped up (jinx is in play), I find myself thinking that it’s the only thing we’re going to celebrate this year. I'm gonna go register at Dodger Thoughts and cheerlead in the hope that they'll surprise me and prove me wrong.

Not only did I have to sit through these letdowns, I had the “pleasure” of watching Peyton Manning torch the Cardinals secondary for 300 yards which fucked me over in the office pool. Of those 300 yards it included 2 touchdowns to Dallas Clark, and dirty Frenchmen Pierre Garcon who are (surprise) on L-Ram’s fantasy team…who was facing mine this week.

Fuck.

Pray for Romo tonight.

A 21-year old lefty who can reach 100 mph? Sign me up! Today, the MLB declared that Cuban defector, Aroldis Chapman, is a free agent and teams can start bidding on him immediately. I know the Dodgers are probably not going to get him, because the Yankees or Red Sox will give him some ridiculous amount of money, but I think it's time for the Dodgers to get back into the Latin American market. Seriously, the Dodgers are considered one of the forerunners of investing money to sign players in Latin America, but I can't think of any decent pitcher they signed from the area since Ismael Valdez.

And maybe Bill Plaschke will finally stop whining about the Dodger rotation, until he realizes that Chapman has no postseason experience (no matter how well he might be doing), and immediately predicts that the apocalypse is upon us.

Knowing damn well of Bills' propensity for 6th inning blowups, I still forged ahead in Photoshop to create one of my many masterpieces which will surely end up in the interweb hall of fame next to the lolhamster, and hitman monkey.

That's as far as I got before Zimmerman forgot he plays on the Nationals and hit a hanging curve out for a 3 run home run. I don't wanna finish it anymore. That moment has passed. Now the only thing Bills and Angela Bassett have in common are their thighs.

Regardless, tonight's performance was much better than we've seen as of late and provides some hope that he's going to turn it around just in time for the playoffs.

Then again, it is the Nationals, so...yeah.

(Come on, Gullermo Mota, put on the snorkel this year!)

I can’t remember the last time that the baseball pennant races were so boring heading into the last week of September. Every division leader has at least a 5 game lead (except for the Tigers, who are trying to hold off the Twins, but probably will), and the Rockies and Red Sox will be the wild cards barring a collapse. Add the fact that the Dodgers will end up clinching the division while they are on the road, and that makes for a boring two weeks of season-ending baseball. There are only 3 things I am looking forward to until the end of the season:

1) The Dodgers locker room celebration after they clinch the division and hoping that someone will keep Angel Berroa’s tradition going and put on the snorkel. I nominate Guillermo Mota.

2) Chad Billingsley having at least one good outing and Kershaw proving that his right shoulder injury is not going to be a problem.

3) Brad Penny getting lit up as he pitches for the Giants so that he is forced to go play in an independent league next year.

Other than that, it’s going to be a long two weeks until the playoffs start. At least the Kings season opener, and the Colts continuing to be better than the Cowboys (Manning > Romo, Ferio), should help time go by faster.

Between L-Ram’s neediness for new posts, video, and anigifs (his 1993 Compaq Presario runs on Netzero’s free dial-up service). The majority of his 10 free hours per month are spent on YouJizz, and Bill Simmons' corner on ESPN.com. The rest, he leaves for the occasional post, and Dodgers news.

My time’s divided between my love for futbol in Club Deportivo Guadalajara, the Dodgers, and now that the NFL’s season has started, the Dallas Cowboys. Somewhere in between that, my girlfriend provides me with a much needed break from what has lately turned into a masochistic practice. I don’t think any sane individual should follow this example. Just focus on one team, and one sport. Don’t listen to the GZA and try to diversify. It’s not worth it.

Instead of seeking joy in a particular team that happens to be doing well while the others struggle, the struggles of the aforementioned teams drag down the highs I should be feeling. In the end, I end up falling into a pit of despair along with the underperforming teams and neglect to fully focus on the good which in turn results in fewer posts here.

Maybe I should take up competitive connect 4. It seems wholesome, and relaxing.

FMSL (fuck my sports life).

Yesterday my buddy Jorge, who blogs about his life stories and other things, told me he saw Matt Kemp being interviewed in a segment on Prime Ticket by a bunch of kids and teenagers, and the subject of Dodger Dogs was brought up, and apparently Matt Kemp has never had a Dodger Dog in his life! I find that hard to believe. 95% of people I know love Dodger Dogs, and Matt has been with the team for a while, so I don't know how he has never been tempted to try one after hearing about how good they are. I spent a good time yesterday scouring the internets to see if I could find this interview, but no luck. I'm going to assume that either: 1) my buddy is lying 2) Matt Kemp is a vegetarian 3) Matt Kemp sets trends, not follows them. Personally, I'm going with #3.

During my search for this interview, I ran into this video of Matt Kemp taking a tour of the Dodgers offices. Matt comes off as a funny and laid-back dude...



Note: I bet the girl at the 2:10 mark wore that shirt specifically because she knew Matt was going to be visiting that day. That doesn't look like everyday work attire.

The first lefty to hit at least 30 home runs since the days of Shawn Green in 2002. Green finished that year with 42 which means he gave away 84 batting gloves.

I'm tired of this whole "Dodgers dont have an ace" stuff, because the Dodgers have 2 guys who are certainly capable of being the #1 in any rotation- Kershaw and Billingsley. But, Billingsley has been questioned recently about not being "mentally tough" because in his last two outings he has given up big innings in each game. This is complete bullshit, of course, because no one was questioning him earlier in the year when he was dominating.

However, it's time for him to step it up. He has a 5.55 ERA in his last 11 starts, and he has repeatedly denied that his hamstring is bothering him, even after being interrogated by Joe Torre and Rick Honeycutt recently. If he is going to deny an injury, then he has to be judged by his performance, which has sucked recently. With the playoffs just around the corner, he has to get back to pitching like he was earlier in the year. I cant think of a better way to start that trend then by beating the hated Giants and uber-douchehole Brad Penny tomorrow. (damn right I just made that word up for him)

This month’s round of World Cup Qualifiers for Mexico came to a blissful end last night when Mexico defeated Honduras 1-0 in Mexico City. With this win, the golden ticket to South Africa is all but locked up going into October’s last 2 matches at home against El Salvador, and to close it out, against Trinidad & Tobago in Port au Prince.

I expected this game to be evenly matched, but Honduras just didn’t show up to play. Thanks for participating, but you can go back home compacted in Salvador Nasralla’s vagina. All that bravado, and shit talking only to show up and park the bus in your defensive half. You should be embarrassed.

Then the audacity of the Honduran press to ask Aguirre in the post-game conference, “With all that possession, and home field advantage, don’t you think this game should’ve been more one-sided?”. Aguirre took the high road, ignored the troll bait and respectfully answered by saying that he felt he needed to win the game, and not look for a blowout.

In short,

MLB only has video of Tron's last pitch, but there were a few questionable calls during Reynold's at-bat. Regardless of this walk-off walk, he completely created that shit storm by throwing wildly to 1st after a comebacker.

Video of the final at-bat below per the request of our lonesome commenter KempKershaw.

To add to L-Ram's previous post, here's a clip of tonight's display.

"Grounded into 5 double plays tonight.

Most since 5/27/74 @ STL"

After they stopped playing pepper with the infielders, they've made a comeback an now lead by 1.

It's only the 7th inning, but I already know where this game is heading. This is going to be the image I see in my head when I close my eyes at night:


GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP. GIDP.

"I'm saying until we have hard evidence that Overstreet knowingly benefited from a wish granting fantasm, he's an innocent man"

That's some funny shit.

Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use

For arguing balls & strikes. Strike 2 was obviously way inside.


Video of the proceedings below.

A Prince Fielder walk-off home run did them in earlier this afternoon.

I like laughing at their shortcomings.

Prince Fielder's home plate stomp was pretty funny. He really did handle his fucking business.

Just 2 months ago, the Mexican national team was in dire straights, and what were distant thoughts of potentially missing a World Cup, were becoming a serious possibility. Going into last nights game, if the result had been different against the U.S., you may as well have placed me on suicide watch. Luckily for me, Mexico played arguably their best all-around game in quite a while to beat out Costa Rica 3-0. Aided by a monster performance from Giovani Dos Santos, I feel comfortable putting away the bottle of Flintstones tablets I looked to o.d. on.

Costa Rica came out looking to impose their strength, and attempted to pin Mexico back with constant pressure, and hard fouls. It worked for most of the 1st half as Mexico looked imprecise, and appeared to be playing into Costa Rica’s hands. A great outside shot by Gio II Saints put Mexico up just before the half and appeared to settle the team down at which point they never looked back.

For the second half, Mexico took possession, but also took advantage of Costa Rica’s desperation on 2 fantastic counters each resulting in Dos Santos assists and goals for Franco (ugh), and Guardado respectively. The first of which was started with an Efrain Juarez (who haunts Landon Donovan’s dreams, I’m sure) sprint to beat out 2 Costa Rican players to a loose ball just past the halfway line. That kid plays balls out and is deserving of a constant starting role on this team, in my eyes.

The positives were the team’s play as a unit. They moved the ball around well, and didn’t overly depend on individualities to generate offense. This became more obvious once Guardado was brought in and swift passing and speed were the m.o. It gives me hope that one day I’ll be able to see a front four of Guardado, Vela, Arellano, and Dos Santos. That’s some hard-on inducing shit right there.

Regardless of the individuals mentioned above, the entire team performed well (except for you, stone-footed Franco), and I can only hope that the momentum they’ve built up can carry them comfortably toward South Africa.

The Goals are below:

SoSG beat me to it, but I'd also like to extend a welcome back to Doug Mientkiewicz who got emotional after his first base hit back from injury. It also provides me with an excuse to use my photoshopped eye chart that's been sitting around for quite a while.

"The hit had absolutely no impact on the outcome of the game, as the Dodgers were well on their way to a 4-1 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks on Wednesday night when Doug Mientkiewicz singled to center field.

But it was significant enough to draw tears of joy from Mientkiewicz, who was told he wouldn't play again this season when he dislocated his shoulder in April."

You're wrong Jimmy Dugan, there is crying in baseball.

I couldn't pass this one up. LeGarrette Blount of Oregon, knocked out Boise State's Byron Hout after last night's game.

Apparently the dude decided it was a good idea to talk shit since he was amongst his teammates. As he turned back around to laugh with his friends, Blount let him have it, and ended up knocking his ass out.

Suck Egg Mule
Function: noun

an irritating, worthless liability.
Literally, a mule that eats your eggs

Thanks Vin!

Out of all the so-called baseball “experts” on ESPN, probably the only ones that have any idea what they are talking about are Buster Olney and Rob Neyer. So imagine my surprise when I read this quote in Neyer’s article questioning why the Dodgers got Jim Thome:

I read somewhere that Colletti thinks of Thome as the Dodgers' version of the 2008 version of Matt Stairs ... but Matt Stairs collected exactly one hit last October…

Wow! Talk about downplaying someone’s hit. That “1 hit” that Neyer casually mentions was the backbreaking HR against Broxton in the 8th in game 4 of the NLCS that turned a potential 2-2 series tie into a 3-1 Phillies lead. We all know what happened after that and that is why I will hate Matt Stairs forever. But if Jim Thome would contribute 1 hit like that in the playoffs leads to a Dodgers World Series title, he should have his number retired.

However, the next day, Neyer completely redeems himself by calling out Bill Plaschke on yet another stupid article complaining about the lack of an ace. I wont go into detail about it since both Plaschke, Thy Sweater Is Argyle and MSTI have already torn Plaschke a new asshole about it, but I’m just glad that someone from the mainstream media made fun of Plaschke as well. You don’t see mainstream media calling each other out very often, so that Neyer actually did is awesome. All is forgiven, Rob!

While the dj at the Dodger game last night decided to play M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" while Scott Elbert was coming in, Dodgerfilms captured this video which through a form of sorcery I was able to turn into the Gif of the Week.


Yeah I know I've missed like 3 weeks worth of anigifs, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Off-topic, but I just had to post this teaser video for Modern Warfare 2. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that this game will be the greatest achievement in human history. I’m just glad that the game comes out in November after the Dodger season ends, so I don’t have to worry about choosing one over the other. Unfortunately, it means my goal of developing a social life will have to wait until next offseason.

The trailer for "Big Fan" might make you hesitate next time you want to approach your favorite player at a night club...

During Mark Reynold's at-bat against Chente Padilla, a small remote controlled airplane flew around the stadium. It thrilled the crowd and eventually crashed into the fence in front of the Diamondbacks dugout. It was torn the fuck up by what appeared to be Augie Ojeda. What an angry dude, "ba, humbug!".

Click Play below to watch.

So in the parking lot last night we walk by this SUV and notice the plates...

Now, it's very vague as to what this could be alluding to, it could either be this:
If the owner of the car above ever comes across this post, please provide an explanation.

Thanks to our bossman’s generosity in volunteering a pair of his season tickets, I was able to attend last night’s game. Soon as the email came through, I was on it, responding with an enthusiastic “I’ll take em!”. Which in retrospect sounds desperate, and dorky. I wish I would’ve responded with something manlier or gentleman-like, for example “If you would be so kind, I would accept those vouchers for sports related entertainment taking place later this evening”. That’s not how I roll, though, plus it’s too late and I’ve most likely lost most of the respect of my superiors thanks to my Christmas party antics.

We arrived while Manny was batting in the bottom of the 1st thanks to a total lack of traffic on Zoo Drive, probably because of the super high fire probability warning toward Griffith Park. Lucky me! Once inside, the view was second best in my mind behind only to the one time a friend (who shall remain nameless) sucked somebody off* for tickets in the Dugout Club.

Once seated, I noticed that some people around me were a little more focused on talking about work than the actual ballgame. It didn’t bother me all too much, as I was jacked to be sitting in the section of the stadium that generates boos when they don’t participate in the wave, and you bump elbows with Hollywood starlets (if my elbows were 150ft).
Things got interesting when Augie Ojeda ripped a line drive in the top of the 2nd that crossed up Manny leading to a 2 run double. This play generated some sarcastic cheers from the crowd when Manny caught Ryan Roberts’ lazy fly ball to left field in the 3rd.
In the bottom of the 2nd I got to witness Ronnie Belliard’s first home run as a Dodger. Up until his groundout in the 4th, the Dodgers scoreboard had reset his stats for the year, and had him batting .500.
By the 5th inning this was my view…
I’m not the tallest man in the world, nor am I the shortest, and while he was a nice guy and everything, I couldn’t see shit. Luckily I craned my neck to see Manny and Matt’s back-to-back home runs otherwise I would’ve had to fuck somebody up*.
Overall it was an experience I’d like to repeat, but most likely never will. The smoke in the atmosphere gave the game an overcast, and desaturated look I wasn’t accustomed to but it didn’t hinder the experience, only James McDonald did. While The Brim Reaper gave up the tying run, McDonald gave up the go-ahead run on the first batter he faced ruining a great month of August he was having. The way we went out in the 10th makes me even more thankful that we’re getting some much needed bats off the bench since we went down in order in our half of the 10th.

L-Ram sent me hate-filled text messages throughout the game but that didn't phase me because I can kick his ass with the newfound jui jitsu techniques I've learned on YouTube. My woman can vouch for me on that one *flexes*

*I can’t remember how he got them.
*Probably not.